


no anesthesia

by summerandwinter (nineintheafternoon)



Category: MXM (Band), Produce 101 (TV), YDPP (Band)
Genre: Hospital AU!, M/M, a lot of innuendos, im sorry, innuendos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 09:12:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16115327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nineintheafternoon/pseuds/summerandwinter
Summary: any medical students can tell you that you don't "love with all your heart", the heart is a muscular organ that pumps blood. it's the brain that scream "i think i love you, here's my blood and soul, you can smash them into pieces or do whatever you want with them".or, the 4 times they slept together, and one time when it actually meant something.





	no anesthesia

**Author's Note:**

> lets get one thing clear, i will cry if anyone calls me yahae for this. 
> 
> all the medical talks are from grey's anatomy, house, chicago mds and scrubs. i know nothing.
> 
>  
> 
> (thank you imi for being an angel and beta-ed the whole thing so its actually readable) 
> 
> (thank you mykee for holding my hands and leading me to the dark side, same goes to sa)

1\. 

the first time it happened, they were both drunk. 

sewoon had a day off the next day, being forced to do so after he had reached the 80-hours per week policy of the hospital, so of course, he did the first thing any 4th year surgical resident in their right mind would do when they finally had some time to themselves, and dragged donghyun out for drinks. 

youngmin was having a bad day. cardiology surgeons are known for being heartless egoistic god-playing beings, so the loss of a patient always hit a little bit too close to home for youngmin. the patient came in for a valve replacement and it was expected to be in-and-out, with minimal casualties, but when they opened the chest cavity, there was too much damage to the heart that they couldn't even take the patient off bypass to carry on the procedure.

his patient O.D-ed right on the surgical table. 

so after talking to the patient's family, listening to their angry remarks and heartbreaking cries, youngmin did what he thought would be the best and went to the nearby bar for drinks. 

donghyun left early - he was assigned with post-ops the next morning and his attending would have his liver pulled out if he's late (again) - so he left drunk sewoon with slightly less drunk youngmin. it wasn't anything out of the ordinary anyway, since youngmin lived at sewoon's apartment.

(it was actually sewoon's mom's apartment, to be exact, but since she's back in busan and sewoon didn't want to take care of the whole place by himself, he shared the apartment with his fellow surgical residents slash best friends kim donghyun and lee gwanghyun. youngmin unknowingly rented a room there when he moved from busan to seoul for his cardiology fellowship at the seoul national university hospital under his mother's suggestion. imagine the initial shock sewoon, donghyun and gwanghyun shared when they found out that they would be sharing a living space with an attending from the same hospital they're doing their residency). 

but it was out of the ordinary when youngmin grudgingly woke up by a consult page from the hospital, with a slight migraine, and a whole jeong sewoon cuddling up to him. that's when the memories of what happened the previous night dawned on the cardiac surgeon. 

youngmin quietly removed himself from the bed (and sewoon's embrace), picked up the pieces of clothing he had left scattered all the way from the room back out the front door while gently closing sewoon's bedroom door behind his back and heading off to the hospital. he would take care of what happened later, maybe talk to sewoon when the younger had sobered up, but right now he needed to make himself presentable for his shift. 

youngmin went back to the apartment after a successful 13-hour surgery, with a rehearsed speech about “them” and “what happened” only to find sewoon laying on the couch, watching a rerun of Stranger Things with two empty pints of ice-cream cluttered at his side. the surgical resident barely even looked at the door when youngmin entered, simply pointing at the table and informing youngmin matter-of-factly that they're out of ice cream. 

so youngmin decided to keep quiet. 

maybe sewoon didn't remember. or maybe he had decided it was just a drunken mistake that they could pretend didn't happen, and carry on with their lives.

•••••

2.

they were both arguably far from drunk the second time it happened.

it was a relatively normal day, like any other day. sewoon started it looking like he's about to fall asleep any minute. they almost missed their rounds because donghyun's convinced an extra 15-minute snooze wouldn't hurt, but unfortunately gwanghyun's car wouldn’t start so they had to uber their way to the hospital. youngmin felt for the kids to be honest, because he wouldn't trade his attending 8AM consult roll-call time at the hospital for anything.

a patient was admitted into the hospital the previous night when he suddenly fell unconscious in the middle of the street. the attending neurology surgeon diagnosed the patient with intracranial aneurysm that needed to be operated on before it bursts, and that called for a standstill surgery to stop blood circulation and brain function for up to one hour. as it turns out, youngmin would be the cardiac surgeon in-charge of killing the patient and bringing him back to live, literally.

everybody was going crazy about getting the chance to witness such an out-of-this-world surgery. even their chief cleared out his schedule to watch the procedure happen in the gallery. and the residents? they were out for blood just to be able to scrub in. a fancy 6th year resident, who was said to be hand-picked by some fancy institute in swedish for their fellowship program as soon as he’s passed the residenf exam and finished with his residency at seoul national university hospital, was chosen by the head of neurology to assist and help the neurosurgeon in-charge. 

their chief resident, kim jaehwan, said youngmin would probably choose a resident who showed the most promise in cardio, and sewoon had zero expectation on being chosen to assist on the surgery; not when he had declared to claim pediatric far too often (he wouldn’t admit that he had a soft spot for kids, so his attachment to pediatric was always briefly explained by 'working on tiny humans with tiny organs are hardcore'), and also not when he had called out cardiac surgeons for being “heartless robots who ironically work on hearts” to youngmin's face too many times to count. so yes, sewoon didn’t know how to react when youngmin passed by his lunch table, gave him a snickers bar, and told him to get ready to get ready to scrub in to help the cardiac team.

and that was perhaps the greatest surgery sewoon had the chance to witness in his entire residency. it was intense: they were racing against time because the neurosurgeon didn’t manage to clip the aneurysm when they were down to only the last 5 minutes and if it passed the 5 minute mark, it would be near impossible for the cardiac team to reverse the steps they were using to stop the blood circulation and keep the patient alive without further brain injury. but youngmin did it - he raced death with an uncharacteristic calm and composure, and won - not only did he manage to keep his patient alive, he was now free of the ticking aneurysm that can kill him at any moment. 

sewoon was so in awe that he fell completely silent after the surgery. he didn't even snap back at youngmin when the older laughed at his shell-shocked self, saying “admit it, this is way cooler than peds”, and offered sewoon a drive home, since donghyun and gwanghyun already left.

so youngmin didn’t expect to be… blatantly attacked with sewoon's lips on him the moment they walked past the porch and entered their apartment. when the younger slammed his warm lips onto youngmin's, the cardiac surgeon felt his brain set on fire and the warmth spread through his entire body. 

a doctor's job is to diagnose and find the right treatment, and as a doctor (and a good one too), right at that moment, youngmin knew exactly what’s wrong with him: he’s addicted and his only cure is sewoon. they pulled apart as breathing became necessary, lips bruised, cheeks red, and heartbeats racing. sewoon opened his mouth after catching his breath, probably to explain or apologize, but his lips were once again quickly clammed shut by youngmin's lips. the older’s grip on sewoon tightened, crushing the smaller body with his larger frame, gentle yet firm, and passionately deepened the kiss. the rest was history.

youngmin woke up the next morning with a stupid smile on his face. so maybe it wasn't a mistake if it happened twice. and he's glad he wasn't shitfaced drunk this time to fully remember everything. the surgeon shifted to his side to take a look at the sleeping figure next to him, laid a gentle peck on the younger’s forehead, and headed out to make breakfast for both of them. 

in about three hundred scenarios running through youngmin's head when he was trying his best to not burn sewoon's kitchen down, he didn't expect this one: sewoon greeted him with a curse, then proceeded to ask youngmin why he didn't wake him up as he had early round that morning. the resident took a bagel from the batch of food youngmin was cooking for them, rolled his eyes and went “you attending surgeons and your free time to cook”, then left the house, without forgetting to add that they had ran out of toilet paper and youngmin should pick some up if he had time.

to say im youngmin was confused is the understatement of the year.

•••••

3.

youngmin was out of his mind the third time it happened. 

when he was in med school, he was taught about how behavioral addiction affected the patient, and it took not just time but also patience to recover. youngmin had none of that for his own jeong sewoon addiction, and it’s slowly driving him crazy. 

the younger got the nerve to act like nothing had happened. youngmin had fully intended to corner and talk to him when he got off his shift that day, but it had been a week and the cardiac surgeon swore to god, it’s like sewoon was never alone - this in itself was weird, because the resident loved his alone time. in the past week, if he wasn't with donghyun or gwanghyun, then he’s with the other residents, or worse, hanging out with the interns, whom the younger had expressed many times that being within a 10 feet distance with any of them made him lose brain cells. 

he wasn’t proud of himself for being like this, but he had to admit that within the past week, he used his attending status and had been continously requesting to have sewoon on his service. but the younger had the audacity to walk up to youngmin with bloodshot eyes when he was at the vending machine, ignoring youngmin's friendly “coffee?”, and threatening to pour all of his precious hair care product down the sink if the older tried to make jaehwan to put sewoon’s name down for cardio again, not when sewoon had have a detailed plan to shadow their head of pediatric this week for a chance to scrub in on the conjoined twins case. 

(youngmin knew he had officially gone insane when he could barely focus on sewoon’s supposedly terrifying threats as he paid attention only to the younger’s lips and remembered how hot it felt running against his body the other night) 

the cardiac surgeon would never admit that it was a low move, but after that vending machine incident (yes, he still listened), he tried to mingle with the peds crowd, probably kissed the head of pediatric's ass a few times by showering her with coffees and compliments, just so she could ask him to be the consulting cardiac surgeon on their conjoined twins case. youngmin wasn’t proud of it, but his plan worked, and he would be the cardiac attending in-charge on the twins’ first surgery to keep a close look on their hearts/lung condition. and of course, since sewoon was practically on the verge of desperation to join this case, youngmin did him a favor and listed him as one of the residents to assist on the surgery. 

maybe sewoon would finally talk to him then, when the surgery is done and the younger doesn't have that to worry about anymore. 

but sewoon didn’t appear in the OR room that day. a fellow 4th year resident, kwon hyunbin, took his place, looking overly pale and seeming like he would pass out under the stress any moment now. youngmin tried his best to act nonchalant and simply turned to ask hyunbin where sewoon was when they were scrubbing in before the surgery. all hyunbin gave him was a shrug and a shake of the head before going back to looking like he’s about to vomit. 

the first surgery for the conjoined twins was a success, but they would need more than one surgery to reach their final goal: separate the twins and give both of them normal lives. youngmin was supposed to be overjoyed about his, but he couldn’t muster it. he could not put a name for the emotion he was feeling from the moment he saw hyunbin come to the OR in place of sewoon to work on the whole surgery, and he could still not put a name to that emotion when the ordeal was over. but he felt like his insides were burning and he was about to snap at anybody if this fire wouldn't go away. 

the cardiac surgeon met donghyun on his way to the attending locker room. donghyun, forever a sliver of sunshine, was nice enough to ask him how the surgery went, and youngmin felt like an ass for giving the excited kid a very cold and curt “fine”, making donghyun’s usual bright smile freeze in place. youngmin quietly told the 3th year resident that he would meet him at home, and continued walking. but he stopped in his tracks, suddenly remembering something, and turned to donghyun.

“hey, do you happen to know where sewoon went today? i didn’t see him anywhere—” youngmin believed that at this point, he probably had mastered the art of nonchalance. 

“sewoon hyung? i just saw him with jaehwan hyung at the ped playground?” donghyun blinked in confusion. the furrow on his brow deepened as he finished his sentence, because youngmin had already started sprinting towards the pediatric ward. 

youngmin used to say jealousy is a stupid feeling and that he was above such petty emotions; he was the only child coming from a relatively well-off family, so as a kid, he was always the subject of jealousy for other children - the tables have simply never turned for him. in school, he was the top of the class, and even when he got in to med, where everybody was practically a genius in some way or other, he still didn’t get jealous if somebody got higher grades, or when they got chosen for better programs than him. youngmin viewed these happenings as motivation for him to do better. jealousy is a sin and youngmin simply doesn't sin. 

so youngmin could not explain why he felt like he was about to explode when he finally sewoon and jaehwan, each with a guitar in their hands, laughing about god-knows-what. he didn’t know what was wrong with him at that moment - all he knew was that the sight of sewoon together with jaehwan made him think of about 50 ways he could kill the chief resident right then and there. 

(it was strange because he'd never had bad feelings about jaehwan; the latter was a good chief resident, much better than the chief resident youngmin got for his residency at busan national hospital. yes, the 5th year had the most annoying, ear-piercing laugh, but youngmin never cared about it that much - youngmin was sure that he'd never once wanted to kill jaehwan before today) 

but youngmin knew that jealousy had completely overtaken him when he shoved the door of the dark pediatric playground room open, forcefully grabbed sewoon’s thin wrist, dragged the extremely confused resident into the nearest on call room, and locked the door behind him. 

sewoon used all his strength to pull his hand out of youngmin’s grip, just in case the older unknowingly cut off the circulation in his hand. he'd known youngmin for over a year now, and probably knew more him, all of him, than he'd like to admit, but seeing youngmin like this was the first time for sewoon. there were too many questions running through his head the whole time he was being forcefully dragged around the hospital by youngmin that he didn’t know where to start. so he chose the simplest one as soon as he heard the click of the door being locked.

“hyung, what the f-” 

youngmin’s mouth drowned the rest of sewoon’s sentence. 

it wasn’t like the other times that they kissed; none of the clumsiness and chuckles that came with their first few kisses during that drunken night, or the passionate yet sweet and gentle kisses they shared the second time it happened. youngmin was kissing him as if he wanted to punish sewoon for making him feel things he wasn’t used to. it was angry, emotional, the older’s teeth bit into sewoon’s lower lip, making him yelp. unlike the other times, youngmin parted the younger’s shaking lips with much more force, sending wild tremors along sewoon’s nerves. 

sewoon pushed the larger figure away, just seconds before he (possibly) collapsed from lack of oxygen, eyes wide. but somehow, he couldn’t untangle the hands that he had somehow entwined behind youngmin’s neck. he tried to catch his breath, and also was hoping the older would calm down enough to tell him what the fuck was going on. 

but youngmin dipped down, and gently claimed sewoon’s bruised lips as if he was trying to say sorry. 

“please—” the older whispered, so quiet that sewoon almost missed it, and carefully kissed the younger again. 

“please—” it was louder this time, as the cardiac surgeon removed himself from sewoon’s lips and started pecking soft kisses down the column of the younger’s neck. 

“please—” sewoon felt a warm hand at the waistband of his hospital scrub pants, playing with the strings. his last remaining will to think straight left the room as youngmin softly bit down his collarbone. moans and erratic breaths filled the quiet on call room.

\---

“i lost a patient when i was in my 3rd year. she was a four year old, we lost her to cancer.” sewoon spoke up first, after a few silent moments when they were catching their breaths and trying to calm their own heartbeats down. “she liked me a lot because i used to sing for her, and she made me promise that if she died, i would still come to the pediatric ward to sing for other kids, especially on her birthday."

youngmin could sense the familiar feeling of guilt washing over his body. he held the younger closer, rubbing his back gently in what he hoped could bring him comfort. 

“today is her birthday,” the resident let out a sigh, “i would never skip such an important surgery for anything, but this is different - i made a promise.” 

“you don’t have to expl-” 

“jaehwan is married - i think he got married back in med school? anyway he's been happily married ever since i got to know him when i started my residency here. he just doesn’t wear a ring because of his metal allergy,” sewoon continued, absentmindedly playing with youngmin’s fingers. “and i know i don’t have to explain, i just want you to know.” 

silence swallowed the entire room again, albeit not an uncomfortable one. sewoon clasped, then unclasped, then intertwined their fingers over and over again. 

“what are we?” 

there was no answer. 

“sewoon, what are we?” youngmin asked again, unclasping their hands so he could use it to tilt sewoon's chip up, making the younger look at him. the latter met his gaze and let out a defeated sigh.

“i don’t know."

**Author's Note:**

> okay i KNOW i made a poll and everything but i kept re-reading the first three parts with the finale two parts as a whole, and storyline-wise, i think it works better as two separated chapters so here we are. 
> 
>  
> 
> (yell at me to finish the last chapter at @ohsewoonie!!!)


End file.
